Posted by: ableanna | August 10, 2009

Time to ask the Universe

It’s no secret here, July 2009 was a horrible month. It was not just the endless days of rain, either.

About five some odd years ago, I had a terrible accident. I was tying up a bunch of studio lighting equipment I had just borrowed from school to a dolly with a bungee cord. I had my face and the cord underneath the dolly trying to snap it onto one of the metal bars. I don’t know if I lost my grip or if the bungee clip just didn’t catch properly, but the cord snapped and the hook went straight into my eye. The hook part had lodged itself underneath my eyelid, I pulled it out and for a minute I thought I had given myself a really serious black eye. I went to the bathroom to check it out, only having the horror strike when I looked in the mirror and saw that both eyes were open, but I was only seeing out of one. After that, it’s a vague recollection of screaming and running into the dark empty hallway at school (it was late at night) and sinking into the arms of the first person that showed up. The emergency workers wrapped up my whole head, there was an ambulance, a bunch of nurses and doctors and my frustration in having to try to speak french, when I could barely speak anything.

Lying on a gurney with my head wrapped up in bandages in some unknown hospital hallway alone: Terrified doesn’t even begin to describe what I went through. The irony of it all – doing my degree in photography, only to have my vision taken away from me. The fear of never being able to see again. The real possibility of getting a glass eye. My whole face would change. People would look at me weird. I’d never date again. I would never have children. I would have no depth perception. Maybe my hearing would get better. Everything in my life would change. I’d have to live with everyone’s pity.

The love and support and strength from friends and family and specialists were called in and not knowing the depth of my injury, my parents took me home with the instructions to lie in bed with my eyes closed, completely still. No sudden movements. Or I would really really be blind.

Those days lying in bed were full of pain, fear and hope.  And boredom. And self-pity. I swore I would NEVER listen to CBC morning radio ever again when I got better. Up until that accident, I don’t think I ever realized how much of myself was defined by my physicalness. Suddenly the small things had the largest importance and all of those self-involved dramas that fill your early 20s seemed ridiculous and unimportant.

And then there was the day at the hospital that my mother and I went down to the cafeteria while we waited for my eye to dilate. My mother must have left to get coffee, because I remember sitting alone at the white table and placing my hand over my left eye….and small shafts of light were making their way through the darkness in my right eye. There was light again.

My point in re-telling this story is that July has reminded me of my physicalness. July saw my wisdom teeth removed, my shoulder dislocate again and my bad eye has become cloudy again. I got mad at my sister, ran into the person that terrorized me for two years, and got into a serious argument with my daughter’s camp director – who thinks I am a lousy mother. My daughter got really sick, D got sick, and my hacking cough sounds like I just chain-smoked 5 packs of cigarettes. It’s hard for me at a physical low, to find the positivity I know I need to get myself through it. Yesterday was a better day, but today I felt miserable. I wanted to weep in the shower this morning but I couldn’t even muster enough energy to do that.

I know I need to take some pretty drastic steps to get my eye and my shoulder fixed. I know I need to take a step back and slow down in my life. I know I need to just breathe a little deeper and worry a little less. I know I need to eat more greens and spend more time reading stories to my daughter. I know I need to see the smaller things again and worry less about the bigger picture. I need more baths, less vacuuming.

And this is where I ask the universe: I need you to help me see the light coming back in again.

Vodpod videos no longer available.



  1. […] I guess the Universe granted my request. Thank you Universe, thank you. […]

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